A Stay-at-Home Mom’s Job
Recently I saw a post on social media where a husband said that his wife who was a stay-at-home mom, didn’t work in response to a friend asking what she does. It included a drawing of an exhausted woman with a toddler on her lap and a baby in her arms. The post then went into great detail about how much work a Stay-at-home mom actually does! It was a beautiful post to draw awareness to the fact that a stay-at-home mom isn’t a mom that doesn’t work. Stay at home can sound luxurious as some people may picture lazy mornings over coffee and not having to clock in on someone else’s schedule. Doing what you want when you want and not answering to a boss or manager. Sleeping in and taking it easy, lounging by the pool. The reality of what a stay-at-home mom actually does is quite different!
What shocked me is reading the comment section of the post! Moms attacking other moms! Some shaming stay-at-home moms as not being important because they, as working moms, somehow manage to do everything that a stay-at-home mom does AND work full time! The comments under the comments got even worse! What happened to moms supporting one another? What happened to women in general supporting other women on their different paths! The judgement, insults, and pettiness really blew my mind!
I shared my shock over this post with my own mom, who told me that even back in the late 70’s and 80’s when she stayed home to raise us, that it was frowned on by many people! I personally have so many wonderful memories from my childhood of my mom taking my brother and I for outings and all of the fun we had! Even when we were school age and she began to work part time, she still took us to and from school, packed our lunches, cooked our dinners and never complained, and might I add, our school was not around the corner! It was a commitment, and she got up very early to make it all happen every day. After school she was with us and that included taking us to and from extracurricular activities as we got older. Now there is nothing wrong with being a working mom! We all have different circumstances and reasons for making the decisions that we do, but this hit me so strongly that I wanted to write about the stay-at-home mom.
Having worked as a Professional Nanny for twenty years, of course I value working moms! I would not have had jobs without them. What struck me is the working moms that commented that they do it all. This is simply not true. If you are a mom that works full time someone is helping you, especially when your children are very young.
Let’s just talk about a few things that a Stay-at-home mom does. She works around the clock! She does not get sick days from her job, she does not get vacation days or paid holidays, she in fact does not get paid! She is a housekeeper, personal chauffeur, appointment scheduler, 24-7 child-care provider, cook, Budget manager, nurse, creative planner, teacher, cheerleader, Referee between siblings, grocery shopper, errand runner, emotional support and personal counselor. I could truly keep going! She is up with the sun if not sooner and the last one to sit down and relax. She is giving of every bit of herself morning noon and night. She’s lucky if she can get a moment in the bathroom alone. This kind of work is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting in ways that someone who isn’t home with kids all day cannot relate to or fully understand. ALL day means morning, noon, and night. This may offend some working moms but if you are working, someone else is doing these things! Whether you have your children in daycare, school and after care, grandparents that are with your children while you work, or a nanny, someone is doing this work to make your life easier so that you can work! There is absolutely no shame in that, but to say that you do everything a stay-at-home mom does and then some is simply unfair and untrue. It belittles what these moms do. Being a stay-at-home mom can be very isolating! It is for this reason that they must take extra care to connect with other moms and nanny friends to have adult contact. This is important for their own mental health! It is much different being with little ones all day then being at a job where you are interacting with adults.
Having been a full-time nanny I can tell you I have done all of these things for other people’s children in their absence. I have relied on the friendships I have built with other nannies and moms to make the days easier, to have someone to relate to and connect with. There are days and weeks that are so exhausting you’re torn between curling up on the couch after and talking to nobody or just getting out to be around other adults! There are days you struggle to have an identity outside of your work with children.
Being covered in spit up or stickers or markers or ink, holding a child when they are sick or sad, being thrown up on, kissing their boo-boo’s, teaching them, playing with them and making their days fun, yes even when you don’t feel like it! For working moms it’s a blessing that you have someone doing these things so that when you come home you can hear about your child’s day, catch up and then spend some quality time with them.
The fact is being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job in the world! Let’s offer support to these women instead of one upping them! Be a friend to them as a fellow mom, share stories and find out how you can support one another with your different experiences as parents. A stay-at-home mom isn’t a non-working mom, she’s an endlessly working mom quite often without recognition.